So this is unusual. I haven’t blogged in so long, yet I feel like it won’t be hard to catch up with some story time. I’m so over facebook. I feel compelled to come here to my old site, mojokiss.com and just talk to the walls. It’s like, the fact that very few people come here, makes me feel safe and fresh. I have a complex about people thinking they know me, when they just really don’t. I’m too polite in some situations, and I’m not REALLY a polite person, in my mind. I just do it, because I don’t want any trouble, or it’s not worth it sometimes.
I have suppressed a lot of creativity because I feel my resources aren’t sufficient to give them justice. There are so many stifling elements to society in general. I dream of having a life, one day, where I can obsess about being creative. My two expressive outlets are Photography and Music. I guess I used to dream of finding a place in this world through those mediums, perhaps an idealized self sufficiency, or liberation. I wanted and expected praise and support. I missed the mark by a long shot. I wasn’t willing to compromise to get what i wanted. I was willing to make sacrifices, but not compromise.
But all was not lost. I’ve been making much needed progress in my mental and physical health. Those are things I hold in high esteem and value. With that, I can find further advantage. I really want to meet some of the same goals I have had since I was a child.
I know what I don’t like. i learn it more and more each day. I don’t like living in the suburbs. I don’t like roommates. I don’t like neighbors. I don’t like land lords. I don’t like locking myself in a room or a house, or hiding away from paranoia fed fears. I don’t like feeling like i don’t belong, or that I’m being shamed or the object of someone’s evil thoughts. I don’t like failing. I don’t like having to stop what I set out to do, and “go home” figuratively or literally. I don’t like that I have to write this blog about reassessing myself and my life because I’m not reaching my lofty or esoteric goals.
What do I want out of life? What kind of things make me happy today as opposed to when I was younger and just setting out to do alternative-adult-artist things?
I guess right now I could start with my ideals. What do I dream about? I dream about flying over the countryside. Maybe I should get a little aircraft and fly around the country instead of traveling by car. I dream of being in harmony with nature. Maybe I should go live in a secret cabin in a nice nature setting and grow a garden. How hard would that be. I dream of being self reliant and living off the land, and bartering. I dream of making art that will leave a legacy, that will leave my mark. I dream of growing more free, less heavy as time goes on.
To my credit, I have overcome a lot of things in my health, my mind and body, my social world, relationships and my understanding of how life works. So, this is the time I should keep going. I just feel I need to take a step back and look at things.
I’m into a lot of “things” like sailing, motorcycles, fixing up old boats and bikes and cars as needed opportunistically.
I feel like it’s important to me to be understood by anyone who comes into my life, and this takes work and so, I don’t always like meeting new people. I value old friends. Some folks may prefer strangers, so they can lie about who they are. I stay away from those types. I think we can be healthy and happy. But in the U.S. people aren’t happy, and are seldom functional. So, I tend to want to stay to myself. I just don’t like isolating myself, so I play along in public. But inside myself, I just want to protect who I am, and live a simple life, away from all the miserable fake manipulative people.
Maybe I should make a video blog, methodically, as I travel. I’d like this. Maybe I should start with short trips.
I guess that’s what I’m working toward. I’m fixing up my boat, my motorcycle, and my volvo wagon for traveling. I think I’ve been doing that so long now, I have lost sight of the original goal, to actually travel and document what I do. Maybe it’s still a good goal, and I should stick with that.
So I have these local obligations, like a job, a band, and my immediate family. I am not married and have no kids, just have my mom and dad here and I’m a bit attached to them. I really need to get over that, and get out again on the road I feel.
I’ve lived in lots of low rent and alternative situations. I just don’t want to do that any more. I did it thinking that things would get better, and my art or music would take off and I’d have money and support. Never happened.
It’s hard to get away from the prison of society. It’s a shelter and offers security but its also rigid and too safe, while we suffer and get sick. I see so many sick people all around me. They are stressed out, unhappy, sick. I know why. It’s because society sucks and our coping methods suck too.
Well I think I got all that out of my system for now. I do feel trapped, and I need to stay focused on my plan for liberation.