Maybe Now the Dark Clouds Are Behind Me

posted in: Personal | 3

photographer mojokissFor the last few years, I’ve gone through a lot of growing experiences. I’m just glad I’ve survived the dark clouds with my freedom and health. I wasn’t always free or healthy in the process. I may be more free and healthy and able than ever now. I feel like I’ve been running from a bull forever now. Maybe I’m out of the woods now. I’ve always had a dark cloud over me, and maybe i can breath now a little bit. It seems I was always being terrorized by the system. One thing after another. And health issues, and relationship stuff, career stuff, etc. My family has been strong for me. Many friends have come thru for me. I just feel like maybe I’ve got that second wind. I don’t know how to define it tho.

I cut out things from my life that hurt me till there was nothing left. Life became dull. I can’t be like that. I need to rise up and be robust. I need to remember the things that drive me, and not be ashamed to pursue them. I need to use the things I’ve learned to improve my lifestyle, not to fear it.

I feel like my social outlook might have been a problem in days passed. I feel that changing too. I love people, platonically more and more. I’ve mostly been very antisocial. I’ve been burned over and over. A few friends have been amazing to me however. I’ve been a bit less than graceful to some of my friends and they dumped me for it. I’ve always felt like I’ve been a rat in a corner. No wonder I act out against my friends. I can’t be that way. Maybe it’s changing. Maybe I’ve gotten over it. Maybe I’ve realized the error of my ways.

My heart feels stronger today. I’ll still battle stress. It has been my demise forever. Fear and stress have driven me to be reclusive and to be a writer, and to define my boundaries and who I am. But the fruit is sweeter from a plant that has to work hard to survive. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you sweeter!

There are plenty of things I have wanted to do, and been waiting to do. They aren’t that difficult, but they haven’t yet been done. I haven’t allowed myself to be in the flow. I like to create, and initiate an experience, to be adventurous but to be a conquistador. I like having a goal in mind, and to have a unique experience achieving it. I like feeling like I’ve done something fresh, and not something that was unnecessary or redundant. There’s a time for everything.

I guess I really just want to be mobile and flexible and have the resources to do good things, and to have a network that I can travel and work upon. The internet has a lot to do with that. I’d much rather have the internet than a phone. In fact, I’ve done away with my cell phone. I have an android device now. I really don’t need to be talking to people 24/7 these days. I do appreciate the freedom that gps gives me tho. i digress.

So, this is my first freeflow journal entry I guess. I’m pretty proud of that. What else do i want to say before publishing this? I wanna also say I’m sooo proud to have this website started after being so unarganized and undedicated for so many years. I’ve been a complicated person. I’m becoming simpler, more defined, more fluid, more accepting, more agile, and in some ways, more mysterious.

3 Responses

  1. Tom Flowers

    You’re a genius; no really, I mean it. I read this 3x; it’s exactly what a genius would write — especially one such as yourself. I know exactly what I’m talking about: I’m a former Marine; I have a degree in Psychology; et cetera; and I too, am a genius — though far from the high abilities of your genius.

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