Covid Covid Covid. Yeah I know. Fucking bullshit mother fucking covid. Everything is closed, except the hackers. They are busy hacking my google and venmo. They took all I had in my online account. Bastards. Today I’m still in the middle of it. Bullshit. Some fucking crack heads stole my instruments last year and luckily I found them in pawn shops. I’ve been robbed so so so many times in my life. I’ve lost more than I have gained. That’s for damn sure. So now what? I’m old or at least it feels that way. What is there to live for when you KNOW it’s just going to suck suck suck big time. Well maybe that’s what I have to live for – the struggle.
Life is a fucking game. You’re either a gangster or you’re a sucker, slave, poor bastard being taken advantage of. Crime pays. Being a little shit pays. Being a hacker pays. Being an opportunist pays. Being disruptive pays. Disinfo pays. Spying and data mining pays. All those gross crappy things pay. BIG TIME. I’m a sucker. I’m a slave. I’m the poor bastard.
So yeah, I’m in a fucking mood right now.
You know what else sucks is my music vs art situation. Music usually falls into churchy or rebellious. I’ve done both the dark and light side of music. Art is the same – it can be deviant or it can be compliant. Music and art are powerful. They can disgust, alarm, inspire, heal. But I say it sucks because I am always feeling under pressure to be one or the other. Light or Dark. No. I don’t want that. I want to be both, and I can have both. (thanks Morrissey)
I can complain my ass off, when it’s real to me to do so, and I can be high on life when that’s real. It’s the shitty darkness that gives fucking birth to the light.
I’m used to having nothing. It’s not foreign to me, it’s familiar. Having too much feels wrong to me. But when I have some money, at least I can plan to use it for gas and car insurance and not have to be hand to mouth about those things, so I’m upset that money was taken from me while I was sleeping. Money I could use to create art and be what I envision. I can take care of myself with nothing, but I need resources to create, and to half way own the fruits of those creations. So art takes work, one way or another.
Mojokiss has struggled along as my art name and it has never made me money. I’m not a business man. I always just nurtured the name as a “brand” as they call it, but more as an idea, or community.
On a Lighter Note
I can’t stay mad but I don’t have to forget. I can be motivated by the bullshit. Like I said, my darkness gives birth to my light. I can’t forget the darkness. No need for that. But I can’t forget the light either. Good movies have both. Good lives have both.
I’m always cautious of having roots. I know I’ll need to travel, so I can’t have roots. That means less stuff, smaller stuff, more technique, more method, less tools, less sophisticated tools sometimes. Film seems that way but it’s not. It’s a pain developing film and I have lost my best work in the mail waiting for it to be sent back to me. Heart breaking.
Making pictures is hard, or it seems hard to me. It’s not about the camera, it’s about the feet. It’s about walking. It’s about the journeys we take in life.
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