Smoothing Out

Hey friends. Things are getting better in a lot of ways.

I was just hit with a happy wave of satisfaction that I own this website. I love my brand name. I love the way it sounds, and what it means to me, and the history behind it. I love that I can sit here now and write in long form, this journal, and not really care about who sees it. I just enjoy the act of expressing myself. It’s a practice.

So I got hacked last week and had to rebuild my whole internet life. It’s refreshing in a way. I lost my youtube, so I’m rebuilding a new one. I don’t feel like making any youtube content right now, because that’s a bit project that requires focus and a large block of time and studio setup. And, I’m working on my show coming up Friday night at the Indie in St Pete. Lovely place. It’s a great time.

Oh my last post was very complaint oriented. I do that sometimes. But since then, I got my money back that was stolen. That’s great! 🙂

So I am a photographer, and a musician. I feel like I have to give an explanation and an excuse for being an artist. I feel like I am not understood. I have to tell myself positive things all the time.

Besides that, I feel like I haven’t really broken into any fame or easy life that I kind of wanted. I always thought and assumed that I could just become this celebrated and loved artist and have the world at my fingertips and things would be easy.

But it’s not like that, and has never been like that. Life is a series of paths, and you can only choose one at a time. It’s not like I can just change paths on a whim and go do what I want, and feel and follow impulses. It just doesn’t seem to work like that. Even tho my mind does change often, the world doesn’t let me change as much as I would like.

It’s easy to quit, take a break, and start something new, but it’s hard to reach a high state of function, because that requires my network relationships. I can change, but people can’t change their perception of me as quickly as I change my own self. So, the nature of my relationships always has a delay until some kind of cycle of unity and synchronicity emerges.

Self Indulgent Post

Covid Covid Covid. Yeah I know. Fucking bullshit mother fucking covid. Everything is closed, except the hackers. They are busy hacking my google and venmo. They took all I had in my online account. Bastards. Today I’m still in the middle of it. Bullshit. Some fucking crack heads stole my instruments last year and luckily I found them in pawn shops. I’ve been robbed so so so many times in my life. I’ve lost more than I have gained. That’s for damn sure. So now what? I’m old or at least it feels that way. What is there to live for when you KNOW it’s just going to suck suck suck big time. Well maybe that’s what I have to live for – the struggle.

Life is a fucking game. You’re either a gangster or you’re a sucker, slave, poor bastard being taken advantage of. Crime pays. Being a little shit pays. Being a hacker pays. Being an opportunist pays. Being disruptive pays. Disinfo pays. Spying and data mining pays. All those gross crappy things pay. BIG TIME. I’m a sucker. I’m a slave. I’m the poor bastard.

So yeah, I’m in a fucking mood right now.

You know what else sucks is my music vs art situation. Music usually falls into churchy or rebellious. I’ve done both the dark and light side of music. Art is the same – it can be deviant or it can be compliant. Music and art are powerful. They can disgust, alarm, inspire, heal. But I say it sucks because I am always feeling under pressure to be one or the other. Light or Dark. No. I don’t want that. I want to be both, and I can have both. (thanks Morrissey)

I can complain my ass off, when it’s real to me to do so, and I can be high on life when that’s real. It’s the shitty darkness that gives fucking birth to the light.

I’m used to having nothing. It’s not foreign to me, it’s familiar. Having too much feels wrong to me. But when I have some money, at least I can plan to use it for gas and car insurance and not have to be hand to mouth about those things, so I’m upset that money was taken from me while I was sleeping. Money I could use to create art and be what I envision. I can take care of myself with nothing, but I need resources to create, and to half way own the fruits of those creations. So art takes work, one way or another.

Mojokiss has struggled along as my art name and it has never made me money. I’m not a business man. I always just nurtured the name as a “brand” as they call it, but more as an idea, or community.

On a Lighter Note

I can’t stay mad but I don’t have to forget. I can be motivated by the bullshit. Like I said, my darkness gives birth to my light. I can’t forget the darkness. No need for that. But I can’t forget the light either. Good movies have both. Good lives have both.

I’m always cautious of having roots. I know I’ll need to travel, so I can’t have roots. That means less stuff, smaller stuff, more technique, more method, less tools, less sophisticated tools sometimes. Film seems that way but it’s not. It’s a pain developing film and I have lost my best work in the mail waiting for it to be sent back to me. Heart breaking.

Making pictures is hard, or it seems hard to me. It’s not about the camera, it’s about the feet. It’s about walking. It’s about the journeys we take in life.

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